Have you ever wanted to know what would happen if an earthquake wiped out everyone except several gangs of terrible actors all hell-bent on controlling the same stretch of beach?
No? Me neither “ and after watching this 83-minute nightmare you’ll wish the quake had destroyed your TV.
The film follows the fortunes of six Surf Nazis whose names range from the obvious“ Adolf, Eva and Mengele “ to the bizarre “ Hook, Smeg and Brutus. Like so many terrible films, Surf Nazis Must Die needs to be edited with a chainsaw.
Ideally it would be edited down to nothing, then unwritten and erased from the minds of everyone involved. If you choose to watch it “ which is not recommended “ your challenge is to find any scene, or even a single camera shot, which doesn’t go on too long.
It’s truly painful, but luckily the director built in a handy clue to help you avoid the worst bits “ the music. Every time the 80s keyboard kicks in, leave the room. You have time to make a drink, have a smoke or do whatever else you fancy. Music means a long montage or about 15 scene-setter shots, all of which give you enough time for a round of golf without missing anything at all.
Like all truly terribly films, Surf Nazis Must Die is brimming with bad lines. Adolf’s threat: I was an economics major. Don’t f*** with me, and the insult: You can’t even see for the pubic hair in your eyes are both classics. There is also a wonderful conversation between Hook and one of his gang mates:
That hook made quite a mess.
Course it did. That’s what hooks do.
Crap-film connoisseurs among you might think this film partly inspired Tommy Wiseau’s classic The Room “ perhaps the worst film of all time. Just like The Room there’s an awkward soft porn scene which is watched by a young man with obvious mental deficiencies which are never explored or explained.
And the similarities don’t end there. Characters frequently behave in ways which make no sense in the context, and there are painfully long silences where you can literally see the actors trying to recall their lines. The best-worst bit of all might be missed if you’re not paying attention (which would be quite understandable).
Not far into the film there’s a fight in a bar. As the Surf Nazis leave one of them hangs behind “ and proceeds to stroke the chins of a couple of the pub’s patrons. His motive is unclear, but it’s one of the weirdest moments in cinematic history.
Despite that, there are rogue moments when someone acts well by accident or the action is vaguely entertaining, and these rob Surf Nazis Must Die of its place among the worst films ever.