In the murky pool of the worst films ever made swims a beast that could swallow the entire cast of Jack and Jill and still have room for Michael Bay. This monster, known to the world as Troll 2, redefined the definition of bad “ and by comparison all our lives have been better ever since. The story behind Troll 2 is infinitely more interesting than the nonsensical one it tells, and it begins with the film being renamed to take advantage of the (modest) success of fantasy horror Troll. The problem is there are NO TROLLS in Troll 2. Not one. The word troll isn’t even used.
In fact it is about Goblins, haughty, spiteful and impudent creatures which inhabit the town of Nilbog and feed on¦ wait for it¦ humans who have been turned into plants. The distinctly un-magical world of Troll 2 was created by an all-Italian crew who communicated with the cast through its only bilingual member “ the film’s costumer designer.
It is believed that director Claudio Fragasso (under the pseudonym Drake Floyd) and his wife Rossella Drudi wrote the script in very poor English but, like Tommy Wiseau in The Room, insisted that lines were recited verbatim. It is also said that Fragasso once branded the films critics liars and dogs.
According to Wikipedia: Don Packard, who played the store owner, was actually a resident at a nearby mental hospital, and was cast for”and filmed”his role while on a day trip. After recovering and being released from the hospital, he recalled that he had smoked an enormous amount of marijuana prior to filming, and he had no idea what was happening around him, and that his disturbed ˜performance’ in the film was not acting.
The film begins with the world’s least convincing family preparing for a relaxing trip to Nilbog, complete with a dead grandfather only the young boy, Joshua, can see (the parents’ response to this is to instruct the little lad to banish grandpa from his mind).
The family has agreed a house swap, and soon find themselves sharing an incredibly awkward handover scene with a family of Nilbogians. As with all truly terrible films, the characters react in a far-from-natural way to almost every situation, a fact demonstrated by the main family’s willingness to eat food which looks like green paint and was left out by their creepy hosts. Luckily, young Joshua takes drastic and deeply unpleasant action to stop his family eating this obvious poison.
The film is packed with delicious treats for the bad-film connoisseur, including the infamous Oh my God scene, which has attracted millions of YouTube hits. The driving scene in which the mum tries to stop an argument by singing Row Your Boat is also priceless, while the popcorn sex scene is simply beyond words.
You may find yourself wondering if Troll 2’s casting director was out to destroy the film, or was perhaps a designer of primitive, emotionless robots (in which case the acting is still unimpressive). You may also watch the entire production with your mouth wide open in shock “ and at the end you may have little or no idea what just happened.
But in many ways this film is a masterpiece. It has undeniable cult status, and in 2009 Michael Stephenson, who played Joshua, released Best Worst Movie, a film about the making of Troll 2. Given that we rate bad films in Nilbogs in tribute to this film, you won’t be surprised to see we have given it the full five.
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