No words could sum up Piranha 3DD better than the quote: Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina. This line “ delivered by a hysterical, semi-naked, blood-covered young woman “ encapsulates both the flimsy appeal and the shocking shortcomings of the film.
As the title shows, the makers of Piranha 3DD make no apology for its selling points: blood and breasts. Horror fans will be left unsatisfied by the plot, action and special effects (and everything else); but it’s fair to say teenage boys looking for slow motion shots of breast implants in full bounce won’t be disappointed.
The film is a sequel to Piranha, and this time the plot focuses on a water park whose owner Chet (David Koechner) “ like the film-makers “ has a plan to lure punters in using hot women. The park, which includes a strip club pool, uses the advertising slogan no one gets you wetter.
But even a soft porn horror film needs more than just close-ups of women at a water park “ and Piranha 3DD has almost nothing else to offer. It feels like a long episode of a poor-quality TV show, acted by rubber-faced, pretty Americans who fail to convey a single moment of believable emotion during any of the film’s gruelling 83 minutes.
Horror films are notorious for their characters putting themselves in needless danger, but Piranha 3DD takes that to a new level. About once every ten seconds one of our nubile your heroines flings herself headlong into the water for no apparent reason, and the prehistoric devil fish duly devour their free lunch.
David Hasselhoff, the film’s one saving grace during a funny if slightly embarrassing cameo as himself, puts it best when he says: Once these idiots get out of the water it’s not as if the fish are gonna follow them.
There are several heavy handed Jaws references, but at least the mayor of Amity Island had some small excuse for refusing to close the beaches. In this film, when a lifeguard is told a murderous piranha has just taken a chunk out of a bather she takes no action whatsoever – then shouts at the person who told her the news to stop running.
Hasselhoff provides the majority of the comic relief from the pain of Piranha 3DD, but there are also several moments so ludicrous as to be funny. Look out for Chet’s death “ it’s ridiculous, gory and sexualised in all the best (or worst) traditions of the Piranha franchise. We can only hope that Christopher Lloyd and Ving Rhames, who featured in Piranha and returned for cameos in this sequel, were paid handsomely for their roles “ there can be no other excuse for taking part.
Feminists would have a field day with this monstrosity, but it seems unfair to attack it from any one standpoint. Piranha 3DD is so bad, in so many ways, that it should offend all humans.