In 2005, the Onion reported that a group of scientists, philosophers and mathematicians were close to completing a list of everything that can go wrong. In tribute to this noble effort, and due to the incredible number of insanely bad things about Birdemic 2: The Resurrection, here’s a review in the same style:
The opening scene shows a man walking for what feels like an hour, the sound quality changes every time the camera moves, you can’t always hear the dialogue, the dialogue, the line some of Hollywood’s greatest films are indies, there are no bird attacks (except flashbacks) until 43 minutes in, most of the birds flap their wings but stay in the same place, birds just disappear when the scene is over, the scenes are never over, the bird graphics are utterly ridiculous, the way people just run around and fight them is even worse, cars drive around in the background (and the foreground) even though everyone’s supposed to be dead, zombies appear for no understandable reason, guns recoil out of time with the sound effects, it’s as slick and snappy as a school nativity play, the most convincing bit of horror is the Jaws poster shown in the background, the faces of people not acting in the film are blurred out, characters constantly explain “ at length “ things no one on earth could care about, the cause of the Birdemic is global warming (unexplained), someone suggests ending the Birdemic mid- massacre by living a greener lifestyle, someone says global warming is caused by cutting down too many trees to make toilet paper, a man introduces himself to a terrified woman by saying: Hi I’m Will and I’m a screenwriter, the film needs to be edited with a bazooka, it’s almost as bad as Birdemic 1, the characters frequently pronounce people dead in a millisecond without even touching them, no one (including the audience) cares when anyone dies, there is no ending “ it just (thankfully) stops happening, the constant musical montages and scene-setter clips, the not-so-subtle moments when the characters compare Birdemic to the Jaws franchise, the camera zooms in and out and slips sideways as though the operator’s on roller skates, you can see the back of the car from which the road scenes are filmed, the plot and the jellyfish scene “ Oh the jellyfish scene.
It’s hard to tell if the Birdemic franchise is deliberately bad, but after watching this second instalment you might be forced to conclude it is. The possibility that people finished this and thought: Yes, let’s release that to the public would suggest they are insane and possibly dangerous. The makers produced this with the tagline you asked for it. Lovers of bizarre and terrible films will be left wanting more “ and Birdemic just keeps on giving. Part three is on the way. Director James Nguyen admits the special effects in the first two had limitations, but he promises to perfect them for Birdemic 3. I’m scared.
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