Arachnoquake tells the story of an earthquake which disturbs the mysterious underground habitat of an army of hyper-aggressive, blind, albino spiders “ many of which have superpowers. Unsurprisingly this is bad news for humans, especially the hapless folks of New Orleans who sign find themselves being chased, bitten, burned and used as living incubators for the next generation of spiders.
Despite the silly premise and a few comic moments, the film isn’t terrible. The basic standards of acting are decent, and there is even some clever camerawork which adds a bit of suspense. You might also spot a famous face in the form of Edward Furlong, star of American History X.
On the basis that a horror film’s first task is to frighten, Arachnoquake does the job “ at least for anyone scared of spiders. There’s also some horror for anyone scared of bad acting (listen out for the crying cheerleaders whose bus is attacked).
The characters “ and indeed anyone watching Arachnoquake “ are lucky there is a school biology teacher among the merry band of misfits who fight against the eight-legged invaders. She so happens to know all about giant mutant spider biology (a fairly obscure branch of her subject) and even performs an arachnid autopsy to show us all how the monstrous creatures are put together.
One highlight of the film comes when a spider bangs onto a roof and a woman says: Please tell me that was a coconut. Wishful thinking dear, as according to Wikipedia coconuts do not grow in Louisiana (and, of course, the bang was caused by a marauding spider with an insatiable thirst for human blood).
Unrealistic endings are commonplace in films, but the plan which eventually brings down the spiders is perhaps the most ridiculous in the history of motion pictures. Seriously kids, do not try that one at home.
Arachnoquake has its problems, but if you’re searching for the worst film ever you won’t find it here. You might even enjoy it, so it back and prepare for 86 minutes of jumping, fire-breathing mayhem.